My blog is designed to bring JOY to lives. The funny thing about life is that it isn't all cake and ice cream. I want this blog to be “real” and I want to be open about a time in my life where I was far from joy filled. So hang with me through this…and more joy will be on the agenda!
My Pregnancy Loss
Black Friday 2011 started as any other. I got up in the middle of the night and went shopping with a good friend. We had a great time and found some bargains. I was feeling good even though I am not a night owl and I was 12 weeks pregnant with my 4th child. I got home mid-morning and went to bed.
I got up later in the day and my husband and I decided to take our kids out to a late afternoon movie and then to dinner. While we were at dinner I went to use the bathroom and was shocked to find that I was bleeding….as a nurse I knew that bleeding during pregnancy can be a bad sign.
I went back to the table and felt frozen. I just sat there. My husband asked me what was wrong. I had a hard time answering because I felt like I was suffocating. We finished dinner and I tried to act normal for my three kids. I called my OB's on call number and talked to a nurse. She advised me to go to the ER and be checked out.
I didn't want to drag my kids to the ER, so we drove the kids to my parents house and then we drove back to the hospital.
My husband is an optimist and is an overall upbeat person. He was very reassuring….he was sure everything was fine. He thought that maybe I had been on my feet too long. I had a pit in my stomach that told me differently.
We got to the ER and they were pretty quick to get us in to see a sonogram tech. She turned the screen away from us from the get go. She told me that she needed to do a transvaginal ultrasound. That was fun…she was very quiet and didn't make eye contact. She left the room and didn't tell us anything.
We were taken back into our room to wait. The ER Doctor came back in and very solemnly told us that they could not find a heartbeat. I just stared at him….I wanted him to be more direct. I finally just asked if our baby was dead or if there was a chance that they just couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. He confirmed that there was evidence that the baby had been deceased for 2-3 weeks by that point.
I can honestly say that my heart was broken for the loss of that much-anticipated child. I knew in my head that I was blessed to have 3 healthy children at home……but my heart didn't hear me. I had planned for this baby….I already loved this baby. My kids already loved this baby and were sooo excited.
This was my first “miscarriage” or pregnancy loss. I use that term loosely, because I didn't end up miscarrying naturally and had to have a D&C the next week. I knew a lot of women that had lost a pregnancy. I always felt bad for them, but now I could really empathize. It was so much harder than I ever imagined. The physical pain, the contractions, the emotional turmoil….
This loss plunged me into a very sad, despairing place. It took me a long time to get out of that place. I am very blessed that we were able to conceive 6 months later and have a wonderful 4th child. I still miss the child I didn't get to meet. I have the sonogram picture hanging in my kitchen because I don't want that child to be forgotten. I know that child is resting in the arms of Jesus and that does give me peace…I will meet my child someday!
I am writing this post because I have been where so many other women are right now. My experiences after my pregnancy loss were difficult. The majority of people wanted to just pretend that nothing had happened. I feel like opening up about my personal experience may help someone else who has had a recent miscarriage or pregnancy loss.
Feel free to send me an email if you would like to share any personal thoughts or experiences. I found that it really helped to talk to other women who had been through a pregnancy loss themselves. It is amazing the difference when you share with someone who has really BEEN there and experienced something that you have experienced!
I will never wake up on a “Black Friday” again without remembering my blackest Friday…..