Simple Ways to Support a Grieving Child Through the First Year

Has a child in your life just lost someone they love?

The year following a death is the toughest period of all. Children grieve differently than adults. They cry one moment and laugh the next, all within an afternoon. This can leave parents feeling bewildered.

And here’s the scary part…

Kids who lose a parent are at the highest risk of all. Research from across Australia revealed that among children who experienced this loss, 28.8 percent develop mental disorders, compared with 13.7 percent who had not lost a parent.

The good news?

A few simple, steady habits can make a huge difference.

Inside this guide:

• Why The First Year Matters So Much

• How Kids Grieve Differently

• 5 Simple Ways To Help A Grieving Child

• When To Bring In Extra Help

Why The First Year Matters So Much

The first 12 months are full of “firsts”.

The first birthday without Mum. The first Christmas with an empty chair at the table. The first school concert when Dad isn’t in the audience. All of these moments have the potential to reopen the wound, even for a child who was sailing along just fine the week before.

That’s why families throughout the city are turning to grief counseling now more than ever. A grief counsellor will guide your child through putting words to those big emotions. They can also coach parents on what “normal” grief looks like at each stage of development. Early intervention with professional support for grief within that first year can prevent small issues from snowballing into major problems down the track.

But counseling is only one piece of the puzzle.

What happens at home every single day matters just as much.

How Kids Grieve Differently

Adults tend to grieve in a long, heavy wave. Kids grieve in puddles.

They dip in, get sad for a minute or two, then dive back into playing. This is totally normal behaviour. In fact, it’s how children’s brains safeguard themselves from becoming overwhelmed.

The ways children grieve also change as they develop. A 4-year-old may repeat, “When is Grandpa coming back?” A 10-year-old may know death is final but fear someone else will die. A teenager may distance themselves and spend more time with peers.

None of these reactions mean a child is “doing it wrong”.

They are simply grieving at their own level.

5 Simple Ways To Help A Grieving Child

Okay. Onto the useful stuff. You don’t have to start doing all of these right away. Select what works best for your family and start from there.

1. Use Honest, Simple Words

When you want to cushion the blow, words like “went to sleep” or “we lost Nan” often come to mind.

Here’s the issue: children are literal thinkers. “Went to sleep” can cause anxiety around bedtime for a child. “Lost” can cause them to question why no one is outside searching.

Say direct words such as “died” and “death.” Follow up with what that means in terms they can understand. For example… “Her body stopped working, and she can’t feel pain anymore.”

It may sound harsh to adult ears. But it gives children something concrete to hold on to.

2. Keep Routines Steady

When a child’s world gets turned upside down, routine is their anchor.

Try to keep the normal things normal:

• Regular bedtimes

• School drop-offs

• Weekend sport

• Family meals

These little routines reassure your child that life will go on and that they’re safe. You can slack off on the rules for the first couple of weeks or so. But return to as much of a regular routine as possible ASAP. It helps most children settle.

3. Let Them Ask The Same Question (Again And Again)

Kids often ask the same question many times.

“Where did Dad go?” “Will you die too?” “Was it my fault?”

This can be difficult to hear, especially when you’re grieving too. However, asking questions over and over is how kids make sense of something massive. Every time you answer sincerely and calmly, they learn a little more.

It’s okay not to have every answer. “I don’t know, but I’m here with you” is a wonderful response.

Kids don’t need perfect answers. They need to know they can keep asking.

4. Give Feelings Somewhere To Go

Not all children will sit down and talk about their feelings. Many children just don’t know the words.

That’s where creative outlets come in. Whether it be drawing, writing a letter to the person who passed away, constructing a memory box or playing backyard footy, these activities can all help them let out big emotions.

Exercise can be great for boys and older children who tend to clam up when asked to “talk about it”. Often the best conversations you can have are while riding in the car side by side instead of face to face.

5. Plan Ahead For The Hard Dates

Remember those “firsts”?

Most of them can be predicted. Birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and holidays are already marked on the calendar. So anticipate them.

Ask your child how they would like to commemorate the day. Some families light a candle. Others may prepare the person’s favorite meal or take a trip to a favorite place. Letting kids help decide what to do can give them a sense of control over a day that may otherwise feel terrifying.

Simple, right? A little planning goes a long way.

When To Bring In Extra Help

The majority of children will gradually find their feet during the first year, given time and lots of love. Some children will require more.

Keep an eye out for signs that grief is getting stuck, such as:

• Ongoing trouble sleeping or eating

• Pulling away from friends for months

• Big drops in school results

• Talking about wanting to be with the person who died

If you see any of these things happen, talk to your GP or seek grief counselling in Sydney with a trained child counsellor. The sooner a child can receive help, the quicker they can get back on track.

Take care of YOU too… A parent who looks after themselves is in a much better position to help their child heal.

Bringing It All Together

Helping a bereaved child through the first year doesn’t mean knowing exactly what to say. It means showing up. And showing up again. Being truthful. Being patient.

To quickly recap:

• Use clear, honest words

• Keep daily routines steady

• Welcome the repeated questions

• Give feelings a creative outlet

• Plan ahead for the hard dates

Grief isn’t tidy or quick. And that’s alright. With consistent adults in their lives, most kids learn to hold their loss and still become joyful, healthy individuals.

One small step at a time is all it takes.