I want to start off by saying that I am in NO way a marriage expert! I am just a gal who has been working on her marriage for the past 18 years….and I still have a lot to learn. I have been asking how do I keep the spark alive in marriage and I know it is a question a lot of women ask too!
I am sure that most married couples with children would agree that it takes WORK to keep things sparking….maybe not as much for the men….but definitely for all the ladies I have visited with over the years. I know that marital intimacy can be a very sensitive subject…and mom if you are reading….feel free to skip to the next post, LOL! 😆
Why is it Hard to Keep the Spark Alive in Marriage?
I am going to be really transparent here and tell you that marital intimacy has been a big struggle for me for a long time. There are several main reasons I have had issues…part of the trouble has been with hormonal imbalances over the years. Hormones can get really wacky when you are pregnant, trying to get pregnant, after being pregnant, etc! With 4 kids over the past 18 years…that is a hormonal roller coaster!! Another problem for me is just plain FATIGUE. I AM TIRED….my parents always joke that I was born tired! I have always loved my sleep…I go to bed early…I nap whenever I can…and it is never enough. (yes…I have had my hemoglobin checked and it is normal :)) The last big issue I have is that my brain doesn't want to shut off. I am always thinking about what needs to be done around the house, what the kids have going on, blah, blah, blah. It is hard to focus on romance when your brain is cluttered up with MOM STUFF! Here is a great example of my energy level in the evening….dozing in the chair with 2 kids and a cat asleep with me!! 😕
I know that I am not alone here. I have rarely talked to an adult, married female who felt like her libido kept up with her husbands. Most ladies I talk to would be fine limiting intimacy to once in a blue moon!
What Happens When the Spark in Marriage Goes Dim?
When the spark in a marriage starts to dim or goes out…the marriage is headed for trouble. I am speaking from experience here….IT IS NOT GOOD! My intimacy issues have been the source of a lot of contention in my marriage over the years. My husband…like most men…speaks a love language that relies heavily on intimacy. When I am not speaking his language…we have a big communication problem.
My husband has been very understanding of my issues and I am thankful for that…but I know how much better our marriage is when things in the bedroom are good. I do want to improve this area of our marriage too!
Ways to Keep the Spark Alive in Marriage
There are some ways to help keep the spark alive in your marriage and mine! It isn't always EASY…but it is SO WORTH IT! Here are some ideas!
Remember Your Spouse is Human
This is something it has taken me a LONG time to really embrace. My husband is human just like me. He is NOT perfect….he messes up…and so do I! I want him to forgive me when I screw up….I want him to remember that I am not perfect….but for a long time I wasn't doing the same for him. I won't say that I don't get irritated or even angry at him anymore, but it is less often and doesn't last as long. The more I accept my husband as he is…the more I love him. The more I love him…the more open I am to intimacy!
Put Your Spouses Needs Above Your Own
This is so much easier said than done, LOL! As a mom I feel like I am always putting my kids before myself…and at the end of the day it can be hard to put my husband's needs before my own too. I know that if my husband and I are both putting the other person first…our marriage will be stronger. When it comes to intimacy….I know that MANY nights my husband realizes how exhausted I am and doesn't pursue intimacy with me even though he would like to. I can't say that I am doing a great job on my end with this tip….but I am aware of my need to work on it! (does that count for anything?) I have never regretted the times I have put my husband's desires before my own…I just need to do it more often!
Get in the Right Frame of Mind
This is really speaking to women…sex is mostly in our heads. Our libido or lack thereof depends on so many factors…our kids, our home, our stress, our fatigue, etc. When we are under a lot of stress and are overscheduled…our libido can just SHUT DOWN. That doesn't mean we can't still have a great sex life with our spouse!
You may not be in the “mood”…you may not be craving sex. You can still make love and feel great about it…if you change your mindset earlier in the day. I try to get in the right frame of mind early in the day. Sometimes I just have to make a CONSCIOUS effort to push aside my tiredness and stress for the sake of my marriage! If you think about sex with your spouse during the day….keep a positive attitude…remember how good you are going to sleep afterwards….you will be surprised how much quicker your body will respond come bedtime.
Improve Your Self Image
I will cut to the chase here and say that I don't like what I see in the mirror when I am undressed. I haven't liked it for well…18 years! I honestly don't know why my husband likes it….but he assures me he does. I know that my poor self-image has a big impact on my intimacy issues. It isn't easy to improve your self-image…or at least it hasn't been easy for me. I believe that a big part of self image issues come from our NEGATIVE SELF TALK! I finally just realized I was only hurting myself by thinking that I wasn't pretty enough, skinny enough, firm enough, etc.
Accept yourself the way you are….acknowledge that your spouse loves you and the way you look. Do small things to make yourself feel sexier…from scented lotion before bed to pretty lingerie! Small improvements in this area can make a big difference in helping you get in the mood for intimacy!
Be Open to New Experiences
I have not been very open to trying new things in the bedroom. I am a work in progress! 🙂 When I was given the opportunity to write this post and do this product review…initially I was like NO WAY am I going to talk about something so personal on my blog….my family reads this blog! 🙂 BUT…I know in my heart that so many women experience the same issues that I do in the bedroom. I am hoping to open the lines of communication about women's sexual health and help wives realize that they are not alone!
I was also really excited to try a product that might help me get in the mood quicker and easier. Let me tell you a little bit about Fiera and what I love about it.
Fiera is a product for women to use, but it was created with couples in mind!! The end goal is for you to have stronger intimacy and a revitalized sex life. Fiera is scientifically proven to enhance physical arousal and interest in sex. All you have to do is wear the Fiera for a few minutes before sex and then remove it when you feel warmed up and in the mood. I love that Fiera was created to help women who wish they had more interest in intimacy!!
If you have any of the problems I have had over the years be sure to head over and get your own Fiera.
I would love to hear your stories about women's sexual health and intimacy issues…..can you relate to my story? Be sure to read my tips for Easy Ways To Reconnect with Your Spouse!